Blazing Apples: a pony crossover part 1

Blazing Apples part 1
A Blazing Saddles Parody with Ponies
138 years ago…..

A zebra named Bart lived in an Equestira far different from today's peaceful tolerant place. His aspirations were large but his pay was small and his job of backbreaking railroad labor wasn't the life his family had imagined when moving out west.

"Listen up ziggers yall aint workin hard enough," screamed Lyle, an earth pony left in an undeserved management position who probably had the brain of a 5 year old, "yer actin like it's a hunert an twenty degrees when I swear it aint more than a hunert an ten."
At that moment a young griffon fell from the sky the heavy load on his back exhausting him to the point of collapse. He lay unconscious on the ground, possibly injured from his fall, while Lyle just laughed.

"Doc that sky-chink a day's pay for napping on the job" he sneered at some of the other managers, laughing at the griffon's misfortune while giving an actual command.

"Now why the hell don't any of yall ziggers sang a nice work song anymore," Lyle jeered at the workers, "back when we ponies didn't have ta pay yuh, yall sang like fuckin canaries. Now how about a song?"

Bart and his co workers took the opportunity to take advantage of their moronic manager's brief break to mess with his head a bit. With a smile on his face Bart and his zebra friends sang, "I get no kicks from champaign, oooh oooh oooh, beer, alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, so why should it be true, that I get a belt out of you"

They were cut off from the song by Lyle who was now screaming, "Hold it, hold the fuck up, what the hell was that shit?" before anyone could answer that is was actually quite a popular song amongst the zebra crowd, the imbecilic manager continued, "when I say a song I mean a real song, you know like Swing low sweet chariot"

The crowd of zebras had a hard time suppressing their laughter as Bart questioned what the song was, "swing low sweet chariot?" he jokingly asked.

"Don't know that one huh?" Lyle asked right back, "how about the Camped Town Ladies?"
The zebras were all grinning at the big stupid earth pony as they denied knowing anything about the song.

"You know the Camped Town Ladies," he stated as he and his friends all began to sing, "the camped town ladies sing this song, do dar do dar, the camped town racetrack's 5 miles long oh the do dar day." The group of ponies was now dancing around singing the song while the whole workforce of zebras just laughed."Gonna run all night, gonna run all day, bet my money on the bobtailed nag somepony bet on the…"

At that moment the boss of the entire operation, a fat grey earth pony named Mr. Taggert, ran up and fired off his revolver into the air. "What in the wide wide world of ponies is a goin on here, yall are jumpin around like a bunch of Manehattan City faggots when we have a deadline."

"Sorry Mr. Taggert sir them ziggers done tricked us again." Claimed Lyle as his boss glared angrily at the completely unqualified labor manager, "we won't let it happen again."

"If it happens again its yer ass," screamed Taggert right back, "now the surveyor said somethin about quick sand about 2 miles that way, send someone down to check on it right now!"

"Alright sir we will send a team of experts immediately," Lyle stated to his boss.

"NO NO NO, don't send experts into a dangerous situation ya idiot!" screamed Taggert, "send them two ziggers on that handcart to check it out."

He was pointing at Bart and his best friend Charley. Bart was a smart ass at heart so the time for jokes was always. "Sir I believe you requested two zig-gers," he claimed with a grin on his face, "well to tell a family secret, my grandma was an earthen pony."

Taggert took out his gun and pointed it at Bart's head, making his intentions clear. Bart and Charley got on the handcart and went towards the potential quicksand site, singing the camped town ladies as they went. The cart stopped, stuck on the iron track well before the potential site and began to sink.

"Hey Bart," asked Charlie, "do you ever get a sinking feeling?"
"Well not usually but we all do sometimes," explained Bart, "it's usually an indication of anxiety."

"No this time it's not anxiety, it's not exactly water and it's not exactly earth, and I'm sinking in it," Charlie retorted.

"Well now that you mention it I'm getting the same feeling," Bart replied as the two of them realized what it was.

They screamed simultaneously, "QUICKSAND!!!" as Taggert and Lyle ran over to them. Lyle threw out a lasso to the two and signaled to them to get off of the cart. The lasso wrapped around the handcart, Lyle pulled with all his might.

"Thank Celestia for your resourcefulness; we almost lost a 300 bit handcart." Taggert laughed as the two zebras continued to drown in quicksand.

Bart found the rail with his hoof, and bravely dragged Charlie with all of his strength. Taggert and Lyle stood around discussing where to move the railroad to and eventually decided that the best option was to move the railway to go through the small town of Appleoosa. Bart and Charlie managed to pull themselves out of the quicksand, barely escaping for their lives.

"Well you ziggers should stop layin around here getting a suntan, take this shovel, and get back to work." Taggert said, realizing the workers had escaped the quicksand. He tossed them a shovel and laughed in their faces, then returned to talking about moving the railway through Appleoosa. Bart picked up the shovel and walked slowly towards his boss.

"Don't do it man," Charlie tried to warn his friend.

"No, it's too late now and earthcracker here deserves what's coming."

Taggert couldn't have anticipated what was going to happen next. "Send a message to the office of Headley J. Lerarity; make sure to tell them I said, OWWWW!"

He screamed as the shovel smashed against his skull, knocking him unconscious shortly
thereafter.

"Send message, Lerarity's office, tell them I said ow, gotcha boss," Lyle took the note and walked off without figuring out what had happened to his boss. Bart just stood there and looked at Lyle, questioning how anypony in all of Equestria could be so stupid.
=======
Headley J. LeRarity was a unicorn of little patience, but today something had him in a good mood. That something was one thing Taggert could never figure out; in fact he kind of questioned the corrupt political mind of the Equestrian attorney general, for LeRarity was bat shit crazy on his best days.

"Well sir, as you can see the initial site has been surveyed and there is a bit of a quick sand problem."Taggert tried to explain to his boss

"Oh yes quick sand," retorted LeRarity, "splendid."

"There is no way we can run the rail road where we have originally planned," Taggert Explained, "The rail system will have to travel through Appleoosa."

"Oh yes Appleoosa," LeRarity stated with a glazed look in his eyes, "splendid."

"Well sir this is actually quite a problem because the railroad company you own will have to pay these earthtrash country bumpkins a fortune to put the railway straight through their town." Taggert finished explaining to his boss, "What are we gonna do sir?"

"Be still Taggert for my mind is a whirl with ideas and innovations, I just have to look up land snatching and there is sure to be a case in my favor."

At that moment a loud crash was heard outside. Taggert jumped at the sound, while LeRarity just stood there laughing. LeRarity opened up the window and stared down at the crazy pink hangman with an eye patch and a bit of a hump on his back.

"Mr. Pie what was that crash?" called out LeRarity to the hangman below.

"Sso ssorry good ssir but as you can ssee I'm completely sswamped with ponies whom you have condemned to the great party in the ssky, and two of my men are at home ssick with the flu," Mr. Pie shouted back, "and that lasst griffon wass doossey."

"Well would you mind keeping it down I have a squeamish lackey in my office and he's probably going to shit if that happens again," shouted LeRarity back at his favorite hangman.

"Oakey dokie lokei," the hangman shouted back.

"Splendid!" LeRarity pulled his head back in the window, smacking it lightly on the way. He then closed the window and looked back at Taggert with a grin on his face. "Here is Greed v. Government, and Greed won 7-0. This means that land snatching is legal in Equestria, so all we have to do is drive the imbeciles out of their town. Any ideas Taggert?"

"Oh I got it; we can kill the first born colt in every family!" Taggert looked at his boss who was unimpressed with the suggestion.

"No there's just something about that that feels too, oh I don't know, umm Jewish," LeRarity retorted, "any other ideas?"

"Oh I got it, I got it!" Taggert loved his idea and was too excited to share it, "we can work up a number 6 on um."

"And what prey tell is a number 6?" LeRarity questioned.

"It's when me and a few dozen friends get real drunk and go a ridin into town, smashing windows, shootin stuff, and beatin  the tar outta every livin thing within an inch of its life, except the mares of course." Taggert was still grinning with the thought.

"Wait, you spare the mares?" LeRarity had liked the plan up until the last part.

"Hell no, we kidnap em and rape the shit out of em later at the number 6 dance!"

Taggert's grin stretched from ear to ear and now so did his bosses.

"Absolutely splendid Taggert," LeRarity said to his underling. He put both hooves to Taggert's head and was about to give him a very rare compliment when Taggert let out a yelp. "Taggert what's wrong with your head, have you been hurt?"

"It's nothin sir, just this uppity ass zebra done hit me in the head with a shovel. My associates caught em and stuck um in your dungeon." Taggert stated, "but I would really appreciate it if you could find it in your heart to kill that zigger dead for me."

"Of course Taggert, let me just see." Headley LeRarity opened his window back up to see possibly the biggest buffalo he had ever seen about to be hung, but the sight didn't even faze him. "Mr. Pie when could you work in a special for me?" he shouted at the hangman.

"I'm ssorry ssir but I couldn't possssibly work him in until Monday," the hangman shouted back.

"Monday is splendid!" LeRarity closed his window and let out an evil laugh, only to almost choke on a couple of small mints he had grabbed off his desk and was sucking on prior. Outside a thud even louder than before was heard as the mighty buffalo chief went down, and just as LeRarity had said, Taggert had soiled the rug.
=======
In the peaceful town of Appleoosa business was as usual that day. The towns cattle weren't stampeding the spring air was warm and dry, and Allington's Saloon was experiencing an excellent lunch hour. Yes all was right in their little world until about 1:45 in the afternoon that day.

All of a sudden off in the distance, the town's sheriff spotted something that wasn't quite right. At first it looked like nothing more than a stampede of buffalo, a fairly regular occurrence that most of the town accepted, but when he looked closer he saw the bandit ponies galloping towards town. He ran into his office and quickly loaded the shotgun behind his desk and ran back outside, ready to fight the menacing mob heading directly towards his town. Unfortunately for the sheriff, Taggert's bullet pierced his skull as soon as he walked outside of his office; the chubby earth pony never even knew what hit him.

Taggert, Lyle, and about 25 of the other railroad managers had been drinking heavily and Appleoosa was, as they had so eloquently put it, more fucked than a chicken caught in a tractors nut sack. They began by shooting out windows of buildings, hoping to stir up a ruckus. When the shocked town's people ran into the street, they were singled out, rounded up, and beaten to a pulp.

The mob looted a few small shops. A few of the railroad workers thought it would be fun to destroy the public bath house, and with some well placed dynamite, 5 ponies were standing around covered in soap, complaining about their burning eyes. They were then promptly beaten.

The town's reverend stood outside his church, crying out to the mob, pleading with them to think of what Faust would do, until one of them smacked him in the face with a large Powerpuff toy from the market. Then his book was torn apart by the pony who smacked him, while 3 others proceeded to loot the church of anything not bolted to the floor.

"Have you no decency," screamed an old mare right before the mob swarmed on her. 3 of the ponies took great pride in taking turns punching her in the chest and stomach. "Have you ever seen such cruelty?" she screamed at no one in particular, as the stallions broke her ribs.
=======
The reverend spoke towards the crowd of people gathered in town hall, questioning what to do in a situation like this. "Now I'm sure that you are all aware that our town is turning into a big steaming pile of manure. Yesterday our sheriff was murdered, our apple trees were burned, my church was sacked, half the buildings in town were leveled, and our cattle were raped. Now then I am merely a spiritual advisor, I cannot tell anyone what to do in this situation, but personally I'm just going to get my things and get the hell out of here, who's with me?"

He began to leave the room but was stopped by the slovenly drunk Gala Apple who stood up and screamed, "Hold up ya lilly livered side wankin  cracker coraker, taint nopony leavin no how. Gall durn it I lefteverythinferhere , I dongotmea piece o land her, and cot frackit rackum I'm gonna die here, and no pussyass, stankwieldin, sonofabitch gonna make me leave here!"

The crowd cheered with Gala as Allington stood up next. "Gala Apple is right! Our ancestors fought buffalo, plague, even Richard Nixon, just to have a life here and I won't leave just because we have encountered some problems. I'm especially glad we could all be here today to hear that speech in genuine frontier gibberish."

"Allington Apple is right about Gala Apple being right," stated Orin who had stood up as well to a cheering crowd, "I built the town ice-cream parlor with my own bare hooves, came from nothing to being an established businesspony, and I'm not about to abandon my livelihood at the first sign of trouble! How can anyone eat apple pie without it being alamode?!?!"

"ORIN APPLE IS RIGHT!" screamed Upton Pyne Apple from the back of the room.

"Well fine I guess even though it's stupid, I can stay as well," the reverend snapped back at the congregation, "but we need to rebuild, and for starters we need a new sheriff."

"I say we wire the princess and have her send us one," Orin stated with confidence, "personally I feel much better if it wasn't one of our guys getting killed this time."

"ORIN APPLE IS RIGHT," stated Upton Pyne once again.

"For our guidance, I shall now read from the books of Mathew, Mark, Luke……" while the reverend spoke a stick of dynamite smashed through the town hall window, "….and DUCK!" He dropped below the podium right as a fiery explosion collapsed the side of the building.
=======
The meetings between Princess Celestia and her cabinet of elected pony officials was anything but proper. Celestia sat at the head of the table, trying to do as little discussion on practical matters as possible, with her secretary on her lap.

"Work work work work work," she complained as she signed another bill passed by the Equestrian Parliament. She turned to her delicate, quite pegasus secretary , put her snout in between the secretary's bosom, and said, "hello there girls have you missed me?"

"Well I-I suppose they did but…" the secretary was cut off by Celestia

"Miss Shy you naughty little bitch, it was a rhetorical question." Celestia grinned at her secretary, "any more bullshit to deal with today Heady?" she asked the Attorney General.

"It's Headley!" he snapped back at her, "and yes one more bill which will allow government seizure of 7 million acres of buffalo land, so that we may glorify your good name with a pleasure resort for the criminally insane."

"7 million acres?" Celestia exclaimed in disbelief, "What will it cost man, what will it cost?"

"Only two cases of paddle ball toys," he smiled, "the brown devils love a good toy mam."

"Oh yes the do, and so do I," she began to mess with the toy until her secretary whispered something into her ear, "Oh of course, ehem. Fillies and Gentalcolts, today will be a landmark day in the treatment of the insanely wealthy criminal, now praise my awesomeness and get me a fucking paddle ball that actually works. This one's warped."

LeRarity picked up the toy and began to bounce the ball off the paddle with ease, "right as usual mam," he sneered at her.

Celestia signed the executive order and struggled to put her pen away afterwards, her magic exhausted from the day so far. "Ok so that's it then?" she asked Headley

"Yes mam that's it," he replied, but Ms. Shy stood up with a letter in her hand.

"We just got this urgent telegram from Appleoosa saying sheriff murdered stop, town in chaos stop, send help immediately stop," Ms. Shy read barely loud enough for the room to hear her.

Celestia jumped up from her chair and screamed, "Sheriff murdered, a settlement is in trouble, we must do something about this immediately, immediately, harrumph harrumph harrumph!"

The whole room of elected officials, minus a cross eyed pegasus sitting in the back of the room, were screaming harrumph in order to appease their princess.

"Hey I didn't get a harrumph out of that pony!" she screamed and pointed her hoof towards the pegasus.

"Give your princess harrumph," shouted Headley

"Harrumph!" screamed the now frightened pegasus.

"You watch your ass around here Miss Doo," Celestia sneered at the scared pony, "I've killed ponies for less than that and if you mess up again…" she made a motion across her throat with her hoof. Then she laughed at the pony's expense.

"Meeting is adjourned," stated LeRarity as he banged the gavel on the table. "Oh so sorry Celestia your supposed to say that."

"Say what?" the princess asked.

"Meeting is adjourned," Headley explained.

"It is?" Celestia asked right back.

"Umm yes it is, now play around with this," Headley replied, handing Celestia a paddleball in the process.
=======
LeRarity paced around his office questioning what to do and talking to himself. "Oh what to do, what to do. This is the worst possible thing. A new sheriff will bring law and order when I require chaos and suffering. Perhaps we just need a sheriff whose very presense would repulse the provincial imbeciles enough that they will leave on their own."

"But where would I find someone like that?" he pondered, "and to whom am I even asking these questions." At that very moment he looked out the window at a sight which gave him hope.

The hangman down below was placing the noose around Bart's neck. "Welcome to the gallowss," he lisped out at the zebra, "not to worry, everyone here isss equal in my eye."

"Well, at least at my execution no one is calling me zigger," said Bart, trying to have a laugh before meeting his fate.

At that moment Headley LeRarity knew who he would pick, as he let out an evil chuckle.